Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
