I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
