he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
