You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize