I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
