That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
