dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
