Your face is a jimmy john
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
