At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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