if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
