so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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