Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Text me some of your sweat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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