found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize