it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
