The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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