Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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