i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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