Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize