I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
