apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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