3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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