I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
