Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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