i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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