So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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