i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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