Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize