I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
