Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
