Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
