My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
