I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
