It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize