Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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