if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
