I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
