I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
