is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
