dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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