is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
