Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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