I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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