I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
