Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
