i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
