He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
