ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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