The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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