he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i believe in u and ur pee
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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