If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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