i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
