I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My breasts were aching with rage.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
