I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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