Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
