There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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