I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
