Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
