Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize