I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
