oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
