New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
