The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
